I'm posting this in the hopes that I'm not alone in the garbage pit world of modern dating. There might be a lot of fish in the sea but there's a reason those fish weren't caught. Just sayin'
When it comes to dating I've tried it all. The apps, setups, and I even did a speed dating event. In case you are wondering, they were all dumpster fires. Some of my dates have been laughable and a good story but some of them have been so bad I had no choice but to laugh. My role in my friend group has been cemented as "the one with the dating disasters" that provides entertainment for all of us. There have been the usual bad experiences like being ghosted, getting unsolicited d*ck pics, and guys only wanting to sleep with me. Those are a dime a dozen. I've thought through all the mishaps I've been a part of and rounded up a few of my favorites. I didn't change any of the names because they most likely won't read this and honestly they probably deserve for their first name to be put out there.
Jeffrey
I matched with Jeffrey on an app called "Coffee meets bagel." Of all the dating apps I've used this one was my least favorite and it honestly still makes me mad when I think about it. You get an allowance of 5 beans a day or something and you earn beans by matching with people but like it takes a ridiculous amount of coffee beans to even match/message sometimes?? This was in the summer of 2020 and it's still a sensitive topic.
Jeffrey and I exchanged all of 2 messages when he hit me with the "I'm down for dates but want sex at first to see how well we get along!" WHAT?! What happened to hello? How are you? My name is? Sometimes intention and inflection are lost via text so I try to be understanding of that. When I asked him if he was serious or kidding... the next notification I got was "Jeffrey has left the chat" and it is now an ongoing inside joke with my friends. So long, Jeffrey.
Enjoy the proof.
Peter
I never actually met Peter. He was a set up from a friend. A friend who actually went out with him and it didn't work out so she reached out to see if he was interested in being set up and he was?? We texted back and forth for a bit and decided to meet up for coffee. Y'all. His suggested coffee spot was IHOP. Not only iHop, but the one located on WET N WILD WAY next to six flags. I was stunned. I presented a counter offer of La Madeline and made up some story about how they have a favorite coffee drink of mine (a total lie I had never actually been there ever.) Not what I would consider a great first date location but La Madeline seems better than iHop?? Another inside joke of mine and my friends "The iHop on Wet n Wild Way" is a frequent one we use.
Peter and I never made it to La Madeline or iHop. He texted me the day of and let me know that he went out on a date the night before and wanted to see her again. Hope she enjoys iHop, Peter.
Jason
My first two were ones that I never *actually* made it to a date with. Jason was my first date in a loooonnnnngggg time and it was anything but boring. We matched on Bumble and talked for about a week before we went out. The plan was to get ice cream and walk around the outdoor shops we were at. Love that! Simple and low-key.
Jason and I finally met in person and there was an instant attraction. Conversation was great, we had a lot in common, and I enjoyed being with him. While we were sitting and eating our ice cream he kissed me. Which was totally fine, I was expecting it. I could see that look in his eye ya know? Ice cream gone, we decided to walk around because we weren't ready to end the night. As we were walking around he would randomly stop and kiss me. And I don't mean a simple peck. I mean full-on, no holds barred, tonsil hockey. Mind you, we were in a public area with families! and children! I explained to him that I was NOT a fan of PDA and he stopped. For a second. Anytime we were alone or people weren't around it was another round of tonsil hockey. I was the one to pull away after a few seconds. Also worth noting that he spoke a few different languages and was whispering things to me and I had NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TELLING ME. Was he casting a spell? Telling me that he wanted to wear me as a skin suit? Keep me as prisoner? When I asked what he was saying he told me that he was saying that I was beautiful. Which is fine but there was no way to fact check this. What was I supposed to do? Pull up google translate while he was busy trying to stick his tongue down my throat as far as he could? That was just the beginning.
At the end of our date, he walked me to the parking garage where I was parked. We started making out, again, right by the driver side of my door. Things were fine until he started kissing my ear. Not my favorite but whatevs. Next thing I knew, his tongue was completely cleaning the inside of my ear. I'm talking full wet willy. Not a gentle lick, tongue STRAIGHT INTO MY EAR HOLE! No warning whatsoever. I was immediately both wigged out and grateful I had cleaned my ears before the date. As I was mentally trying to process what had just happened, a car pulled up to park in the empty spot beside me. The headlights hit us and stayed for a few seconds before they went in search of another parking space. I am still a little offended they just left me there. I made an excuse about needing to get home just to get out of there. He said he would send me a post-date survey. I laughed at the joke.
The next morning I woke up to an ACTUAL post-date survey in my email inbox. The questions ranged from "How did Jason smell" to "What did you think about Jason" to "What were you looking forward to the most" etc. I played along at first and filled out the survey and emailed it back. When we talked about going out again I brought up the fact that I didn't love the kissing and wanted him to scale it way back. He very much was not ok with this.
I resent the survey with updated answers after he copped an attitude. He was big mad about this.
Bye, Jason!
James
James was another Bumble match. We started chatting on the phone trying to decide where to meet up for coffee. The plan was to meet up for coffee on a Sunday morning. As we were chatting about possible meetup spots- the coffee shop he chose was a part of a church. Totally fine but I knew it would most likely be crowded because it was Sunday and when I told him this he either didn't hear me or chose to ignore me. Strike One. The next morning when it was time to meet up, he called me and told me that (shocker) the coffee shop was in a church and there was a ton of traffic. I tried to tell you dude!!! Then he decided that we should meet up in a parking lot and find somewhere else to go. Strike Two. When I pulled up immediately the vibes were off and something was weird about his teeth. But I persevered on and we found a coffee shop nearby. We got there and ordered coffee. He didn't pay for mine which was STRIKE THREE. I was done at this point but I was committed. We sat down and he told me quote "I need to go take out my teeth." sorry come again? Sure enough, he went and stood in a corner like a toddler and pulled out his invisalign and wrapped them in a napkin and put them in his pocket. We awkwardly sat on a couch, he wouldn't really look at me, conversation was short, it was a fun time. He suggested we explore the upstairs area and we went on the rooftop deck. In direct sunlight. In the afternoon. In the Texas heat. I didn't last long.
We started to leave and he had to go put his "teeth" back in. I debated leaving then and there but ultimately it didn't feel right. We left and mutually ghosted.
Thank you, next!
Chris
I matched with Chris on Hinge and was immediately a big fan of the fact that he asked me on an actual date and picked the place and everything. Great! We met up and conversation was fine. We got along. Awesome! After dinner we decided to go down the strip to the bar at Alamo Drafthouse. He was a fan of their bar?? Random but ok. We got some drinks and started talking and got on the topic of drugs. He started talking about all the drugs that he used to do, that he currently does, and all the ones that were his favorite. He was very nice but the fact that he was mid 30s with a small child and still doing drugs on the reg was not something I just loved. No judgment but not for me.
Bye Chris!
Kenny
Ah, Kenny. This one I am actually still sad about. I liked Kenny a lot and really wanted things to work out. The reason he made the blog post is because of how things ended. Kenny and I matched on Tinder and immediately I knew I like him. He was older, had kids, and really seemed interested in getting to know me and being intentional about communicating with me. I was smitten. We talked for a few weeks and met for ice cream once (what is it with the ice cream dates?)
Kenny had just bought a house and was in the process of updating it and moving it. Our second date, the plan was for me to come over and hangout, eat dinner, and help paint while we spent time together. I am a big fan of domestic-type dates (anything that feels like normal life.) I offered to bring my cordless drill (that I got from my dad as a Christas present) because he had left his and needed to remove some shelves on the walls to paint. The night was great! We painted, talked, ate, and I just really enjoyed being with him. Things went well enough that I spent the night (LOL no details so as to spare my mom and dad.)
The next morning I went home and shortly realized that I forgot my drill and the bits. Inconvenient but no worries because I just knew that I would see him again. That is when things got weird. He started being weird and distant and just not anything like he had been before. Which now looking back DUH it makes sense that it would be a hit it and quit it type situation. Things fizzled out and I still didn't have my drill!!!!!!!! I texted with him back and forth and he said he would mail it to me. never happened. I reached out a week later and he said he would send it. No drill in the mail. I reached out AGAIN with no response. This time I was pissed. I tried to find him on Venmo with no luck but was able to find him on PayPal. I sent a request for the cost of the drill since he clearly wasn't going to send it to me. No response.
It's been 8 months and I STILL DON'T HAVE MY DRILL BACK. Come on, Kenny. Be better.
There have been more dates and more disasters but these were some of my favorites. Also some of them still make me mad so I needed an outlet for my frustrations. These men are going to give me a heart attack I swear.
If anyone has a good cordless drill recommendation send it my way.
TAH TAH FOR NOW
Comments